'After 2 years?'

The words struggle to leave my mouth.

'Yes.'

Your voice returns an answer I already know. I'm silent as it sinks into my soul. The rising tide of emotion pushes the razor tears through my eyes, hanging on to my cheeks like I want to to you. My head spins as I almost forget I'm talking to you. Thoughtlessly I just say

'Ok.'.

It is not adequate, nor is it what you deserve, but you are killing me. At least killing my soul, not as softly as I imagined. Everyone wins except me, and this is not sweet sorrow. It is just plain unfair. And I do not like where this could lead.

What words pass between us next do not really matter, surfice to say things are complicated. Like it would ever be easy. Love stretched the distance we had pulled it was always going to snap. But I end up with the short straw, alone again. I saw it coming, I knew the signs. And my fear was justified, as well as realised. Bitterly I put up no fight. submission to my love. The girl I have held so closely pulls against me, with kicks and screams. In spite of me you will be happy, and I cannot give you that anymore. By your choice, as it always has been.

The grusome fact is that it is not that you do not want to be with me, nor is it that you do not love me, but because of circumstance. Remember the nail marks? I do, and our divide is such a mirror. Devilishly easy does despair turn to bitterness, and the foul taste drives your soul to anger which refuses to defuse, only to torment. And my wish is not to be bitter with you, as I must always be sweet to your tongue and ear. Silertongued as I am appearances must be kept up.

But that is easier said then done. My eyes at a constant fight against a torrent of tears. The days and nights pass and we share our parts. We talk of unrepairable broken things, of new fancies and triumphs, of the small things. The future is uncertain, and I talk freely as if it was so, but you are at hand with the lead boots to keep me firmly on the ground. Dream not of flight to familar fields of flowers, but of landscapes new and fresh. A sentiment not found in my heart. The healing of time is in reverse, and emotions get worse for me. The screams, silent but in my head, make my ears ring as if the bell tolls.